longing...

to be home. I want to stay home. I am a stay-at-home mom after all.

I used to fill up my evenings with things to do and places to go because I was home all day with the kids. So after a long day of being "mom", I would often turn things over to the dad and attend a meeting, an outing, etc. It usually involved something with church or my MOMs group, and it made me feel important and needed and helped me keep some semblance of identity outside of being "just a mom". On the flip side of that, I also recall feeling guilty for not being one of those moms who filled her children's days with outings and errands and playdates. We stayed home. We played, we napped, we probably watched way too much TV and we just stayed home. It's what we did.

Surprisingly, this change of being a SAH who was never home didn't occur until last year, when three of my four children were in school full-time and the 4th started pre-school. Suddenly I had this freedom to run kid free errands, treat myself to lunch at Panera, and volunteer at their schools. And I stopped being home. I still had three days when Jaxon and I pretty much stayed put, but that's when it started.

And now this year, I am a full blown SAH who is NEVER home. I am lucky if I get one morning a week where Jack and I don't need to be somewhere. The weird part of it is, I don't feel that busy. Of course it's my own fault, and it has lots to do with the logistics and efficiency of my desire to not spend all day in the car getting Jaxon to school and such. But I am just not home. And I miss it.

And then here's the really ironic part of it all. When I actually do have the opportunity to be home now, even if I get a whole day, I really don't do anything there. I just want to be. I am so worn out from all my running, the last thing I want to do is "do" stuff at home. I want to be relaxed, quiet, dorking around on my computer, playing Wii with Jaxon (my favorite). Planning a meal perhaps. I don't clean the way I'd like, I don't organize the disaster otherwise known as my office the way I'd like, I don't purge closets the way I'd like. I just relish in the fact that I am home and enjoy being, not doing. And that makes me sad. I have all these ideas for our home. Decorating ideas I so desperately want to try, closets that need to be organized, stuff to purge, shelves to re-arrange, pictures to print, frame and hang. I want to begin to create the home I've have been envisioning and dreaming of - cozy and comfortable, with pretty, meaningful things that make me happy, a place to welcome our friends and feel good in.

But to do any of that, I just gotta figure out a way to be home.