in which I discover a new appreciation for everyday...

Sunset over the Gulf Coast ~ April 2012

I had a scare.  It involved words like cyst, mass, ultrasound(3 in all) and biopsy.  It kept me awake at at night and plagued my thoughts and kept me from sleep when I woke up earlier than necessary.   It cast a shadow over an amazing beach vacation with my family. It also made it so much more meaningful and intentional.   For 14 days, I heard too many references to cancer, death and young women leaving their families behind and thought they were speaking directly to me like a message in a crystal ball. I saw a truck that delivered oxygen products and wondered if I would need one of those someday.  I prayed, I cried, and I wondered how on earth I would ever communicate to my already most amazing husband and crazy awesome dad what it is I do as CCO (Chief Chaos Officer) for our family.  How could he truly know all the crazy details that make up my job as full-time wife and momma - how would he ever manage this beautiful crazy mess we're in all by himself? 


I wondered how my sweet young boy would fall asleep at night without our secret kiss....or how my girls would learn what it means to be women of faith without their momma...or how my oldest son would learn the ins and outs of what it means to take a girl out on a proper date.  I feared what losing me too soon could do to my husband's faith.  


As it turns out, the mass was nothing, at least nothing that wasn't supposed to be there at a certain time of the month. ahem.  I will go back for one more follow-up ultrasound in a month, just to be sure.  But as of now, all Drs. involved are certain we've got an all clear. All that worry and stress and fear for naught.  But was it?


So what now?  It means I am changing how I live. I know it sounds cliche, but it has.  I am no longer concerned about doing the things that I think other people think I should be doing, and trying to focus my energy on things that matter to me, my family and relationships and my faith.  


It means I am holding my husband's hand more even if we are just sitting on the couch or we stand in the kitchen hugging in the middle of making dinner.  It means I play hooky and re-schedule appointments to spend the day drinking Caribou coffee and garage-saleing with a friend.  It means making my own health and wellness a priority, eating more healthily, losing some weight and exercising more. It means spending money out-of-pocket to visit a chiropractor to help my body function better and heal itself.  It means pursuing God more faithfully.  It means saying no to things that don't have any lasting meaning and yes to everything that does.  It means more campfires, and ice cream and cheesecake and good steaks.  It means stepping out of my comfort zone.  Singing more, worrying less.  Smiling more, nagging less. It means getting my house in order, but comparing it to the pictures in magazines and blogs and pinterest less.    Letting go and hanging on for dear life all at the same time.


It means contentment and gratitude. everyday.  That's what it means.  And it's good.  


ps...pop on over to my husband's blog to see what all this has meant to him....he's amazing.